Who's your Daddy?
by BitterEloquence
Summary: G1: Mix five dinobots, one medic and an engineer and what do you get? Five confused dinobots, one enraged medic and a horrified engineer.


When Spike and Carly announced that they were having a little sparkling, the entirety of the Ark had celebrated. Their beloved human friends' good fortune had cheered even the solemnest of Autobots. Life was such a rare and precious thing in a war-torn world so even the sparkling of their non-Cybertronian friends was reason to celebrate. Parties were thrown and every mech felt like he had a special part in the imminent birth of the Witwiky child.

The humans had a saying that Ratchet found to be quite apt. It took an entire village to raise a child. And the members of the Ark were certainly their own strangely dysfunctional village. There were wise elders like Ironhide and Kup who had an entire lifetime's experience to share with the younger Autobots. There were also younger mechs who's enthusiasm and passion for life inspired even the most world-weary of them.

Sometimes, Ratchet felt like he had five children running around in the disguise of the Dinobots. They had the tendency to run amok and asked the most mortifying questions with little regard for social propriety.

"Ratchet, are you me Grimlock Daddy?" The question came out of the blue and Ratchet actually dropped his arc-welder in surprise.

"W-What?" The medic choked aghast.

Wheeljack almost fell over as he roared with laughter. The panels on either side of his head flashed a brilliant blue color as he laughed uproariously.

"Me Swoop confused. Why you Wheeljack laugh?" The youngest Dinobot asked. All five Dinobots were in the medbay for their routine maintenance checks.

Ratchet leaned over to snatch up the dropped tool from where it had fallen from nerveless fingers. "Umn…Grimlock, where did you get such a preposterous idea?"

"Me Grimlock say it is not propitious!" The Dinobot leader growled. "You Ratchet tell me Grimlock that you Ratchet me Grimlock daddy."

There was a decidedly panicked look on Ratchet's face as he eyed the Dinobot.

Off to the side, First Aid tried to hold back a snicker. Perceptor looked up from studying Slag's weapon's assembly. "Ratchet, you never told me that you had provided genetic material for the Dinobots when you and Wheeljack were created the Dinobots."

"That's because we didn't!" Ratchet protested. "Grimlock, I never said that!"

"You Ratchet did too!" Sludge stated carefully. "You Ratchet me Sludge Daddy."

"You Wheeljack me Swoop Mommy." The flier explained helpfully to Wheeljack.

"What!?!" Wheeljack suddenly found the situation a whole lot less amusing. His head panels glowed a neon orange color, betraying his shocked trepidation. "Now wait a minute there, Swoop. I'm not your mommy."

Ratchet snorted and shot Wheeljack a vindicated look that all but screamed 'How do you like it now, huh?'.

"You Wheeljack me Grimlock Mommy. You Ratchet me Grimlock Daddy."

Why did the lumbering dinosaur have to say it so loud? Especially when Sunstreaker and Sideswipe chose that moment to walk past the open med-bay doors?

The Lamborghini twins stopped dead in their tracks when they heard Grimlock announce this. Unholy grins of glee curved their lips as they peeked around the doorway to watch the scene unfold before their amused optics.

"No we're not, Grimlock." Ratchet protested weakly as the full ramifications of five child-like Dinobots calling him 'Daddy' danced around in his head. Oh sweet Primus he'd never hear the end of this.

"But you Ratchet tell us you and Wheeljack be me Snarl Mommy and Daddy." The quiet stegosaur put in unhappily.

"What? When did we say this?" Ratchet tried to make some sense of this but found himself unable to puzzle out Dinobot-logic.

"You Ratchet said Mommy and Daddy make babies. Me Grimlock say you my Ratchet my Daddy."

Wheeljack sent Ratchet a panicked look. Even with half of his face covered by his mask, the dread was conveyed all the same. 'You don't think ...?' He radioed Ratchet on the tightest and most encrypted link he could dig up.

'Surely not.' Ratchet replied with a grimace.

"Grimlock, both Ratchet and Wheeljack are mechs." Perceptor pointed out.

"So?" Grimlock grumbled back.

"So that means I'm not your Mommy!" Wheeljack snapped.

The twins all but shorted out their servos trying to hold back the laughter that threatened to break free of their vocalizers.

"If I may," Perceptor interupted primly. "might I ask where you got the perception that Ratchet and Wheeljack were biological contributors to you?"

Grimlock just gave him a blank look. Or, at least as much of a blank look as his masked visage could give.

"He means where do you gliches get off thinking we're your parents!" Ratchet clarified with a growl.

"You Ratchet tell Me Grimlock about babies."

"Babies?!"

A light suddenly went off in Wheeljack's cerebral processors and he snagged Ratchet by the arm as he spun around.

"What the slag…!"

'_Calm down.'_ Wheeljack admonished over his internal com-link. _'This all makes sense now.'_

'What makes sense? You're just as glitched as they are if-' 

'_You explained to them about how Spike and Carly are having their baby right? And you remember essentially telling them about where little human babies come from.? This ringing any bells?'_

Ratchet froze, awestruck horror crossing his face as he finally caught on. 'But that's preposterous!'

'_Not to the Dinobots it's not. They don't know Cybertron or how we reproduce.'_ The lights on Wheeljack's head brightened to a cheerful yellow color. _'So do you want to do the honors or is it my turn this time?'_

'_I'll let you do the dubious honors this time. I need a drink.'_

Wheeljack shook his head and turned back to the five confused Dinobots. "I think it's time I tell you about where little baby Autobots come from."

Ratchet snorted and pat Wheeljack on the shoulder as he turned to the door in search of some high-grade. And then he caught sight of two grinning idiots. "What the slag are you two doing hanging around here!?"

A wrench and the fallen arc-welder flew through the air and smacked the Lamborghini twins in their respective foreheads. "Get outta here before I turn you into spare parts!" Ratchet roared and picked up another tool to hurl at the twins but they had disappeared.

"Me Grimlock learned how to roar like Daddy" Grimlock stated with obvious satisfaction.


End file.
